Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Forced Processing

courtesy of tumblr

I am going to apologise in advance for this post. I have been mulling so many things over for the last few weeks I just need to get them out so I can process them properly.

I have been struggling with depression and an anxiety disorder for many years now. Sometimes it seems to fade into the background for months at a time, leading me to believe I have finally gotten over it all. Alas they usually return with a vengeance when I lease expect it.

I think the depression started first, it kicked in when I was about 16. At the age I had my first major betrayal when I discovered my best friend had been using me for years and never really wanted to hang out with me in the first place. Thus began the first niggles self doubt and loathing.

Now everyone has these feelings of inadequacy every now and then but mine came into full force when I started studying for my 7th grade violet exam. Previously I had always been awarded High Distinctions and so my internal voice decided to inform me that unless I continued to get this insanely high results I was a complete and utter failure. Sadly these new, more intense thoughts turned my mild teenage depression into a full blown anxiety disorder coupled with relatively extreme self harm.

Fast forward 5 or 6 years. I was now having panic/anxiety attacks every night which I coped with by self harming and abusing pain killers. There were several suicide attempts and a complete disregard for my own health and safety. I'm surprised I didn't contract any diseases or get raped. Then I met Ross, I just added him one day from a alternate social networking website, little did I know he would one day be my husband! As my online relationship progressed and became very committed I felt compelled to reveal my secret side to my mother.

She did not react in the best way, and essentially made me feel worse about what I had been doing. I begged her to help me find some help, which she did. The counseling definitely helped and has given me some great coping skills. But the depression never really left, and I still find myself reaching for a blade when I just can't seem to turn my mind off.

I don't like that I constantly berate myself, feeling like a failure when I know I have so much! It just feels like every time I am feeling much better something happens. Either of my own accidental doing or something is said by a so called friend that pulls me down lower than I was before. Why can't I win and just be content? I don't have to like myself, I would be happy with not hating. I just don't seem to be able to win, lack of sleep is definitely not helping, but it seems so hard to overcome all of this right now. I just want to feel free and not care what others think or say about/to me instead of just pretending.

For my husband and daughter I won't give up yet. Maybe the day will come soon where all will be better, when all these issues of mine will be gone for good.

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